"Joyfully Forever" – Partner Retreat

If you are a couple or in a partner relationship, this retreat is for you. This special retreat will give you and your partner the opportunity to enjoy practicing together with the fourfold Deer Park community (monks, nuns & lay men and women) - learning the practice of true love. With deep listening, both to our inner selves and our significant other, we will collectively look with each other at our interpersonal relationships to discover how we may best further our deepest aspirations and bring out the best in all of us. Each day we will practice mindful sitting, walking, breathing, and eating together. We will be learning tangible tools such as loving speech, deep listening, beginning anew, and total relaxation that will allow your relationships to blossom.

The Foundation of our Being Together

Please remember that the Five Mindfulness Trainings are the very foundation of our being together as a community. We regularly recite the Trainings together to help strengthen that foundation. No smoking, no drinking and no sexual activities constitute part of the five trainings to be observed in the practice center.

The First Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I am committed to cultivating compassion and learning ways to protect the lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking and in my way of life.

The Second Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to cultivating loving kindness and learning ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I will practice generosity by sharing time, energy, and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.

The Third Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

The Fourth Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determined to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I will not spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or community to break. I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

The Fifth Mindfulness Training

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I am committed to cultivating good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking, and consuming. I will ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being, and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, films, and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society, and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger, and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

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The Four Immeasurable Minds of Love
(Four Qualities of True Love)

Love (Maitri)
The first aspect of true love is maitri, the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness. To develop that capacity, we have to practice looking and listening deeply so that we know what to do and what not to do to make others happy. If you offer your beloved something she does not need, that is not maitri. You have to see her real situation or what you offer might bring her unhappiness. Without understanding, your love is not true love. You must look deeply in order to see and understanding the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the one you love. We all need love. Love brings us joy and well-being.  It is natural as the air. We are loved by the air; we need fresh air to be happy and well. For our love to continue, we have to take the appropriate action and non-action to protect the air, the ones we love. When we understand someone deeply, even someone who has done us harm, we cannot resist loving him or her. This is unconditional love that does not expect anything in return.

Compassion (Karuna)
The second aspect of true love is karuna, the intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows. We do not need to suffer to relieve the suffering in the other person, much like a doctor who helps their patients without experiencing the same sickness themselves. If suffer along, we may be crushed and unable to help. Compassion contains deep concern. You know the other person is suffering, so you sit close to her. You look and listen deeply to her to be able to touch her pain. You are in deep communication; deep communion with him or her, and that alone brings some relief. One compassion word, action, or thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring him or her joy. One word can give comfort and confidence, destroy doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict, or open the door to liberation.

Joy (Mudita)
The third element of true love is mudita, joy. True love always brings joy to ourselves and to the one we love. If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love. Joy here is filled with a sense of deep peace and contentment. We rejoice when we see others happy, but we rejoice in our own well being as well. How can we feel joy for another person when we do not feel joy for ourselves? Joy is for everyone. There is no self and other in true joy.

Equanimity (Upeksha)
The fourth element of true love is upeksha, which means equanimity, nonattachment, nondiscrimination, even-mindedness, or letting go. Upe means “over,” and ksh means “to look”. You climb the mountain to be able to look over the whole situation, not bound by one side or the other. If your love has attachment, discrimination, prejudice, or clinging in it, it is not true love.  Upeksha does not mean indifference, but true equanimity is neither cold nor indifferent. To have equanimity is to have the ability to see everyone as equal, not discriminating between ourselves and others. With equanimity, our love may become possessive. A summer breeze can be refreshing; but if we try to put it in a tin can so we can have it entirely for ourselves, the breeze will die. Our beloved is the some. He or she is like a cloud, a breeze, a flower. If you imprison him in a tin can, he will die.  (-adapted from Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh)

Recommended books of Thich Nhat Hanh: Teachings on Love, Cultivating the Mind of Love, Creating True Peace, Being Peace, Breathe You Are Alive!, The Miracle of Mindfulness, For A Future to Be Possible, Anger.

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Aware that lack of communication always brings separation and suffering, we are committed to training ourselves in the practice of compassionate listening and loving speech. We will learn to listen deeply without judging or reacting and refrain from uttering words that can create discord or cause the relationship to break. We will make every effort to keep communication open and to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. – 8th Training of OI

Loving Speech

Speech is an important aspect of the practice of love. We say only loving things. We say the truth in a loving way, with nonviolence. Truth does not harm or cause separation and division. It can only heal and bring life. This can only be done when we are calm. When we are irritated, we may say things that are destructive. We speak constructively, using only words that inspire hope and confidence. Many people think – if only I had a chance to express my frustration and pain, I would feel better. Yet many of us have tried this in the past, and it has not helped. We have vented our frustration and pain, and still we feel unsatisfied and make the situation only worst. If our hurt is too strong and we are not capable to communicate calmly, we can write a love letter. We express our self in a way in which he or she can listen and truly hear what we have to say. If we only insult or condemn, our speech will be of no use. With mindfulness, we practice to be honest and to be skillful at the same time. Expressing our selves with love is an art and can heal wonders. A love letter can relieve the pain within one self and the pain in the other, at no cost. Let go our your hurt, your pride, your habit of venting back, and give rise to the Mind of Love. In this way, when you communicate, through letter or speech, the other person can receive what you want to say.

Compassionate Listening (deep listening)

Compassionate listening has one purpose: to help your partner suffer less. You have to nourish the awareness that no matter what he or she says, you will keep calm and continue to listen. You follow your breathing without reacting to what is being said. You don not judge while listening. You keep your compassion alive. This is deep listening. He may say inaccurate things, blame, attack, or judge. Yet you maintain your energy of compassion so that your seed of suffering is not touched. It is very helpful to practice mindful breathing while listening. “Breathing in, I know that I am listening in order to make him suffer less. Breathing out, I remember he who is sitting in front of me suffers very much.” It is a concentration and following aware of the breath helps. Our capacity to listen deeply, without becoming irritated, becomes stronger with practice. We train ourselves. We practice mindful walking, breathing, and sitting to cultivate ourselves, our mindfulness and concentration. When we are fresh, we have more concentration and embrace more. However, when we feel too weak to continue to listen deeply, we excuse ourselves. We may say, “Darling, shall we continue later? Now I need to do some walking to refresh myself.” It is important to know our limit.

The Five Awarenesses

The First Awareness:
We are aware that all generations of our ancestors and all future generations are present in us.

The Second Awareness:
We are aware of the expectations that our ancestors, our children, and their children have of us.   

The Third Awareness:
We are aware that our joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are the joy, peace, freedom, and harmony of our ancestors, our children, and their children.

The Fourth Awareness:
We are aware that understanding is the very foundation of love.

The Fifth Awareness:
We are aware that blaming and arguing never help us and only create a wider gap between us, that only understanding, trust, and love can help us change and grow.

The Practice of Beginning Anew
adapted from Teachings on Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh

In our tradition, we practice Beginning Anew every week. Everyone in the family or community sits in a circle with a vase of fresh flowers in the center, and we begin by following our breathing to restore our calm and freshness. The ceremony has three parts: flower watering, expressing regrets, and expressing hurts and difficulties. This practice can prevent feelings of hurt from building up over the weeks and helps make the situation safe for everyone in the family or community.

We begin with flower watering. When someone is ready to speak, they bring the vase of flowers in front of their seat. When she speaks, her words reflect the freshness and beauty of the flower that is in her hands. During flower watering, each speaker acknowledges the wholesome, wonderful qualities of the others. It is not flattery; we always speak the truth. With awareness we can see that everyone has some strong points.

In the second part of the ceremony, we express regrets for anything we have done to hurt others. It does not take more than one thoughtless phrase to hurt someone. The ceremony of Beginning Anew is an opportunity for us to recall some regret from earlier in the week and undo it. In the third part of the ceremony, we express ways in which others have hurt us. Loving speech is crucial. We want to heal our family or community, not harm it. We speak frankly, but we do not want to be destructive. Listening meditation is an important part of the practice. When we sit among a circle of friends or family who are all practicing deep listening, our speech becomes more beautiful and more constructive. We never blame or argue. No one can interrupt the person holding the flower. She is allowed as much time as she needs, and everyone else practices deep listening. When she is finished speaking, she stands up and slowly returns the vase to the center of the circle.

Compassionate listening is crucial. We listen with the willingness to relieve the suffering of the other person, not to judge or argue with her. We listen with all our attention. Even if we hear something that is not true, we continue to listen deeply so the other person can express her pain and release the tensions within herself. If we reply to her or correct her, the practice will not bear fruit. We just listen. If we need tot ell the other person that her perception was not correct, we can do that a few days later; privately and calmly. Then, at the next Beginning Anew session, she may be the person who rectifies the error and we will not have to say anything. We close the ceremony with a song or by holding hands with everyone in the circle and breathing for a minute. Sometimes we end with hugging meditation.

After the Beginning Anew ceremony, everyone in the family or community feels light and relieved, even if we have taken only preliminary steps toward healing. We have confidence that having begun, we can continue. This practice dates to the time of the Buddha, when communities of monks and nuns practiced Beginning Anew on the eve of every full and new moon. I hope you will practice Beginning Anew in you own family every week. Children are very capable of participating in this practice as well and it is very beautiful when parents and children take time to recognize the jewels in each other, apologize for their unskillfulness, and express their hurt. From our experience, children really enjoy this practice and can be very moved by it. Please adapt it to make it more appropriate for your situation— for example you can use a talking stick or some other object that reminds you of your freshness instead of a vase of flowers.

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Gathas (practice poems) for nourishing our love